Binyavanga Uncut…

In which i try and capture a long, rambling, regret-soaked set of tweets by Binyavanga Wainana reflecting late Friday, May 15, on the dissembling life of gay men like himself and how sex is the least of one’s problems…

The tweets welled up almost spontaneously, unstoppable, even extending to a promise to visit Kingston, Jamaica in December this year but mostly they express anguish over past wrongs induced by the pressure to conform to society’s demand for appropriately masculine behaviour from boy children. They also mention fellow African writers Chimamanda Adichie and Elnathan John…and Bishop Tutu and Ruto, Kenya’s Deputy President, whose speech may have precipitated Wainana’s stream of tweets.
The most meaningful thing I read yesterday were @BinyavangaW‘s tweets. That man moves me.
God save us from African writers who prosecute your rights to be urself on earth based on what their pastor says 2 them.
 Binyavanga-
Coz she makes you feel, like nobody else. Nina Simone.  https://youtu.be/xr8ol8ufSRg  via @YouTube
“I am in your hands” a text I sent when defeated by my defenses. Because I loved him. Loved him. Releasing 2 love is very very hard.
It took doctors to tell me I was near death to let myself text him and say I love you, and i release myself to you. Gay love! God?!
How do you love when the ground shifts over your feet every minute?
How do you love when you can’t hold hands in a hospital room?
how do you love with your parents, cousins friends, unable to digest?
How do you love as a gay man except by defiance always? defiance or self destruction?
Africans important 2 discuss these things, human people really are all first just about loving before food, human rights, procreation.
people think sexuality is about having sex. So, then why don’t you all give up sexual love,a and passion?
so much of our world here is about quick borrowed intimacy..sharing a bed with a man and being free when when u do not fuck.
people call u in tears and leave wives to come to you not for sex but because who else will understand? and u hold them all night.
When Ruto opens his mouth or of of those fucking hate bishops, gays change routes coming home on public transportation.
gays try hard to not show themselves, but all of them live in fear always, u relax for a few months and some shit happens in the news…
when Ruto speaks and theca church people in the news, gays get evicted from apartments, get threatening text messages. EVERy time.
We find ourselves always protecting our straight people, loving them coz they r weak and brittle often. We can’t shut off love, u see.
baldwin, was also just yet another black gay first born man saving his family first, putting his life 4 black people first, love: last.
So in the morning after he has cried and cried, you make coffee for him and give him support to put his straight face on and face Africa.
many gay African couples in the europe adopt and have children who r straight, & loved and still hide their families from people back home.
@BinyavangaW: How do you love when you can’t hold hands in a hospital room?” Or at the funerals, clan gathering. Your very tears hidden?
u hear stories how in primary school your own brother walked away in shame when you were beaten for being girly and u were five years old.
and that evening, ashamed and unable, you cracked jokes to make your brother feel okay, because u ra ashamed u shamed him.
Kenyan church can never invite Bishop Tutu 2 speak. He loves gays, straights, revolutionaries, feminists.
Why can’t our churches march with women against violence in #idressasIwant – u can disagree and still show public support 4 women.
@BinyavangaW: gay African couples adopt & have children, straight, & loved & still hide from people back home.” Can’t introduce ours 2 clan
kenyan church r terrified of love and change and truth. They are there to police you to expect little, and pretend to expect much.
I have an essay to write about 3 homosexual men I helped humiliate in high school, I am deeply ashamed. Always.
Kenya will break! Break apart! If we open our hearts to being ourselves and to accepting that there is what we do not know.
Bishop Tutu the same product of the same Colonial missions. He just liberated himself t b 4 Africa, not to be a colonial sin collector.
Give credit 2 the man Tutu who can walk into the most dangerous township and preach love and tell them they have to love gay people 2.
When I went to SA, Tutu was a revelation. Just love love and freedom. I did not imagine such a thing could exist.
Finally “independence” made us overseers of the African colonial plantations, now do what about freeing ourselves from this role?
So try to imagine the heaven that Tutu will go to, and Ruto’s heaven (14 cowering virgins?)
Fine. On the Winnie Versus Tutu thing, me I am with Winnie. But apart from SA, our African cowardly safe rich churches care for nothing.
@BinyavangaW Good phrase: Tutu not “a colonial sin collector”. Wish more religious leaders would focus on the real evil of poverty instead
Which African church elder will say I do not understand u Jide Macauley, but I come to see u 2 pray together. Because I fight 2 love.
I see our priests, even the ‘Africaniser’ ones wearing the ideas and self-hates of the Colonial District Officers and so on. Same game.
Black South Africa really did shake up the post colonial narrative” flawed,raw and dangerous, u took us forward into new possibilities.
Must pay credit here 2 the liberationists in catholic church who hosted, mentored Nyerere, Mugabe…. stand 4 their ideas.
I feel it is my job, and the job of our generation to poke past all this shit, even when it was good, and see into how 2 make new integrity.
It is no longer about the growth of the nation. The firming of its order or disorder.
When will Kenyan PCEA invite Ngugi wa Thiongo to speak? Can they self-interrogate?
Our parents, careful with us in a hostile world freed us into knowledge so we can fight them 2 make this world. Pay no homage 2 their dogma
U did not come to earn to approval of ur father & mother African! U are there to make a world 4 ur children’s children. DO what u must do
Joburg: housands of gay African professionals wanting 2 work make black Africa better. Today, in Africa, they contribute. Today.Amazing.
I turned down a great job in Joburg, wanting t be fully in the continent. But I really want to be in the fight here, in this ‘other Africa.’
@BinyavangaW Having the most institutionalised political party/movement in Africa helps hugely. No big man politics In SA.
@bettywaitherero to look for ways to break apart your own mobility to be what is necessary 2 carry us all. to refuse fear..Yes.
@bettywaitherero terrifying, as all purposed things must be.
@BinyavangaW introspective and review is necessary if you are growing and not static. gotta change your mind often. 🙂
me: fucking ego man V competitive, and I have had over the years had 2 fight myself 2 accommodate the Chimamanda jaggernaught.
Now. It is okay to have that fight inside you over that woman who is seemingly ruling the world. And u wanted 2 2.
Chimamanda and I agree on exactly nothing from the first day. And then she was like, then, this young young woman.
In our own relationship as writers, what has come to matter is..Chimamanda and I
Is that Chimamanda will have the confidence, each time, 2 go further than I will, for me, to ask me to take myself further.
In truth: I am theonw who is noisy conservative scared 2 try, and Chimamanda is the one writer who asks me to take my project further.
cozy work seems so experimental, people don’t understand this thing. Real relevant honesty defines our friendship and working relationship.
Chimamands is the first human person who looked me in the eye and asked me, are you gay? That is what love looks like. Now I go to sleep.
@BinyavangaW Have you read Men of the South – Zukiswa Wanner. Something related to that tweet.
@Omuteso am laughing.long story..but i shall I owe tax there.
when somebody does that 2 u, u have to step up and b the same kinda honest always with them and 4 them. That is a New Africa #chimamanda.
don’t u feel that, that people see u, and choose not to see u?
@BinyavangaW If you ever need a Naija beard sha… Get at me. I’d do it for free if you let me rub your clean shaven head.
@AfroVII I do, bring me shea butter ,and some sexy beard juju.
So, Chimamanda is my big sister, & I am cool. and I am like older and got 2 Caine Prize before. Could give not a shit. Was neva like that.
@mairekayegi lol. send 500,000 dollars by western union pse. lol.
people look around you, around you, and so few people get friend u look At u. Too painful and vulnerable
@BinyavangaW how many times have you said you’re going to sleep Binya, yet there are new tweets every minute on my TL (not complaining)
@SafiaA lol. this vulnerability shit is hard, so i started whiskey.
@BinyavangaW Got these off Sister Joy’s fb page. pic.twitter.com/FgB8i6Ewim
@SafiaA I made the mistake of listening to Nina Simone. FUCK!
Hooi. So now like after a year or 2 after Chimamanda opens a bomb in myself which was ready. I hire this six foot seven Naija gay escort.
I am in London, have been for years online wondering where to find a man to do..something..that I do not know what.
And gay bars are full if 19 year olds with 3 percent fat..
the other person whom I love deeply, Martin Kimani. I am staying in their home,
O I go online and book an escort called Black Orpheus. i have been watching him online 4 months. He is Nigerian. In London.
And I pay him 200 pounds to give me a nude massage. I feel nothing sexually, and he is super hot. I just feel,….shit…I did not die.
So. That night back at my old buddy Martin’s, we r drinking beer, and i start, term..am not gay…but today, this is what i did.
And I tell martin everything that happened: very coldly , and watch his face twist and turn and fall and climb.
fucker opens me a new beer, and says, wow. So, are u okay? And I say. Yes. and 4 the 2nd time I know 2 people love me without condition
That was 2004/2005, and the journey these loves set me on started my real life. And I am still young, 44, as a gay man.
U cry, and ask, why did I not tell martin all this when I was 19? how many years of nonsense would that have saved?
@BinyavangaW i need a book from you about your queer experience, i need it,i need it. Its not my place to need it but i do
@fistvoices lol. not soon. nt like that..some r coming.
i thank everything wonderful in the world that I am an African second born man. God, what do my first born African gay brothers go through?
trust me when I say that my memoir was as gay as I could be with my father (oh I love that wonderful man) alive. It is gay.
@afrolicious and u and all of us, not me, this is about all os us facing ourselves with love…
Not making these tweets Africans coz I am having a bad time. That is a lie. I am am always mostly happy. Am sharing myself as we should.
I knew I was gay, but though that shit is all flexibility, be a rubber band of achievement, and then it will b fine, fine.
if gay in high school, middle class high school, and u r not girly, option 2 just all pretend 2 this day. Play ‘white’/ play assexual.
I played a woman in our celebrated school play wore a miniskirt a sex worker called Desiree. Wore a miniskirt, high heels.
Was contemptuous of my straight friends in boarding school. I was witty, sat near the powerful and when make-up was off…it was our game.
could wear a role 4 for ‘boys’ – and I could take it off, and they would think ah..he is artistic but supports ruby. I was always a prefect.
But in Lenana, as a prefect, stories come to you about love affairs. I remember the beautiful broken gay boy – name ruined across school.
I never looked him in the eye. Now, that I knew him to be like me, and me safely fooling the straight machos, I needed him o disappear.
Like so many gay Africans online, I hated on the femmes, the men who cannot mask their sexuality. As we do with tribe, we beat them down.
@MagungaWilliams mangu in my time was nowhere as violent and Lenana on sexuality. Leanne was a very very violent school.
@fistvoices i dont. but this is an issue. just like tribe on the sleeve and its costs.
@fistvoices A good 30 percent of online profiles of gay men or more on websites people say be straight acting, No femmes,
@fistvoices on Sites, gay Africas threaten open violence on effeminate gays who cannot hide, and insult them with no shame.
@fistvoices same siasa, as kenyans on Somalis, or not inviting your unfavored tribe friends t dinner when ur tribe in power.
@BinyavangaW true,its how we police gender performance, the idea of not having to wear your homosexuality,its prevalent and divisive
@fistvoices policed by your own fellow gays.
@BinyavangaW forgetting that the majority of the people that have been queer active were not hegemonic gender performers
@BinyavangaW they wore their homosexuality
@BinyavangaW i am seemingly buff,but buff is not masculine, right now i am wearing leggings, and i notice the stares
So, cheers 2 all the straight brother, siblings, sisters, friends, random Africans who see & saw u and keep u alive, because that is life.
@BinyavangaW how dare he waste his body? How dare he wears that persona while he looks like that?
carole mwai came 2 Chimamanda talk in NYC, was v young and she will not remember how she saved me from the boys and my brother. Teared up.
Chose, that day, 2 bake cakes with the girls with in the kitchen and bitch about the boys, and did not act as lieutenant. I was maybe 7.
They were like our closest family friends. I had been dying to escape the boys and hang in the kichen, bit I was my bros right hand man,
because all the boys were afraid of Caroline Mwai, when she said come, I came. I knew my bro and her bros would not do 2 much.
So. 4 the first time sat in the kitchen and baked and cooked and gossiped about the boys.
of course, my bro is getting all kinds of shit outside with the boys, and then he is like their leader.
My brother never ever made issue. because every photo we had he was there protecting me,
So. My the time we eat, My head is nearly hysterical with guilt. I have broken the boys code, I have shamed by brother.
What do I do. The neighbor ,visiting, is Darmindar Singh this Sikh Kenyan kid….
So while we ate what we baked, i announce that Darmindar is the 1 who told me that I should do that so he is a snitch.
I felt absolutely nothing, but sat and watched saw Darminder cry, thought him a sissy, and my bro said to me, we will sort him out.
I was not 9 years old. I thought, straight people so weak, they take any excuse 2 avoid truth that Indian Kenyan saved me from being gay.
So. i three Darminder under the bus 2 bb close to be boys who ruled Lena Moi primary, and be still cool with Caroline, who ruled also.
i have been a fucking manipulative gay kenyan getting my way. and still am. But lies kill us.
@chemelumadu fuck. i scared to ask. but it killed his vibe in school.. KILLED.
So disliking this new politics of them them progressives where queers activists and feminists black never did shit. Account 4 nothing.
@chemelumadu ngai. so totally ready to fly to him and say sorry. SORRY.
@ReneCMugenzi @BinyavangaW hahaha on Twitter Binyavanga’s head is all over the place, ill need follow ups and its not my book 2 write
Anybody willing to Storify and publish. do.
@BinyavangaW been trying to, Storify not cooperating but will keep trying…
now that u know ur sins, humans, address them and sleep well..lol. Love 2 all!
Pray e that the El Nathan who showed so much genuine..something, will repudiate the African Museum mask he has chosen and be real.
Coz. don’t doubt me, his fans could give less of a shit, but El nathan’s ghosts brother him shitloads. lol. Always. Good truth 2 him.
It is the ones that show real promise, that really have a battle to fight, that u can crap on. lets s mo ‘child soldiers’ from that talent.
celebrate first if El Nathan wins caine prize, will he then look inside and give us something mo than best school composition for Oninbo?
4 El Nathan John – coz there’s mo u know. Ain’t Got No, I Got Life – Nina Simone  https://youtu.be/L5jI9I03q8E  via @YouTube
@anniepaul shit. I need 2 drink with u I feel u have so much shit t call me 2 account 4 am comin 2 Jamaica okay?
anytime @BinyavangaW wow, that would be something…to have you here…
Elathan was 1 of the few nigerians in many years who was fighting to find something. Really. Special. Dangerous, and full of directions.
could even be that El nathan winning caine prize will release the truth man he is hiding 2 please the mild prize people. GOOD 4 literature.
@anniepaul just fucking airmiles I need. no near so far. REALLY. on my own would come to have wine. like tomorrow.
@BinyavangaW some Diemmesfontaine Pinotage would be perfect for the occasion 🙂
@fistvoices he does not know. that is he battle. Actually I he knows,.
@fistvoices hi satires built on mine, but he is no mimic, he has shit to say and make. but the writing SOOOOOO tame.
@fistvoices writing tamer than the guy u drink with, he is afraid of himself.
@fistvoices I hate fools. I cannot hate on Elnathan I want him to to amazing. He must just conquer himself. Not Caine and this silly game.
@anniepaul u been in my love since Achal so so long ago, but remember every internevention on twitter. EACH 1
@BinyavangaW wow didn’t know if you remembered that Achal had introed us…i was just with him in Joburg.
so, that musical “hitch your wagon 2 star” that Elnathan chose to play, fine, so now wat u wanted it 2 b joke song? Boy, it is not. Show.
Elnathan, all sarcastic terrified 2 speak and write what he really has to say 2 Nigeria. SHIT. So performs Caine Prize safe. real talent.
@anniepaul U ar like what Kingston is going to be in my head.
@anniepaul and we will sit and u will say i am really upset at u and u rr shit guy and we have 2 talk about it.
@anniepaul and I will say, do u have red wine…a nd bend over..
If you say so 🙂 RT @BinyavangaW: @anniepaul and I will say, do u have red wine…a nd bend over..
bring all your African love 2 support El Nathan 4 caine Prize, ask him directly to grow. None of us need moral teenagers.
@anniepaul Love love love and I can’t spell anymore so am off;
Love>3 to you too…your wine and much else awaits in Kingston…come soon @BinyavangaW
@anniepaul @BinyavangaW Yes come — but only when I’m there!!
*rolls eyes and concedes* RT @keimiller: @anniepaul @BinyavangaW Yes come — but only when I’m there!!
i killed my banana bread drinking whiskey and tweeting, this is fucked up. Bye!
@keimiller @anniepaul u shut the fuck up Kei. U killed my banana bread
@keimiller @anniepaul it had whiskey, cardamon, lemon juice and baobab seed powder and is so fucking dry now.
mmmmm RT @BinyavangaW: @keimiller @anniepaul it had whiskey, cardamon, lemon juice and baobab seed powder and is so fucking dry now.
Nina Simone- Mood Indigo  https://youtu.be/kUU7Rkoj4qw  via Kei Miller, Annie paul, Martin Kimani, Achal Prabhala…
@keimiller @anniepaul So am coming when u come to jOmaika! Love t U Kei.
@BinyavangaW @anniepaul June (maybe too soon) or December. Yeah man. Come we mek a flex. And Annie always has great wine…
@BinyavangaW @anniepaul and other great things beginning with ‘w’. Not like the shit we got in Nigeria. 😦
@keimiller @anniepaul it’s like fuckedcookies now, It was supposed to be alike the derrida of affect, a 3 D paper. sigh.
@keimiller @anniepaul really interested especially in the geology and ancient eruptions u know,
@keimiller @anniepaul and evolving national museum practice
@keimiller @anniepaul and long thrusting fast bowlers and hip action
@keimiller @anniepaul BUT. last week it was high school politics I was sniffing at….learned a lot. A little LOT.
@keimiller @anniepaul haha. Who we g to which school and Why. and where did dat shit go…starting to sniff .
@keimiller @anniepaul Got Garnet drunk …conversation unfinished….lol
December it is, with or without Kei RT @BinyavangaW: @keimiller @anniepaul Got Garnet drunk …conversation unfinished….lol
let us look free at the beautiful thing we have been allowed to make.
Another Branda Fassie: Joy – Paradise road.wmv  https://youtu.be/Uc-dw0tapJY  via @YouTube
and Kei will be here, not to worry 🙂 RT @BinyavangaW: @anniepaul @keimiller DealDone.
@anniepaul @keimiller nope. ileave the assumption now all u west indians wherelike beating each other over poetry competitions high school.
Off to Jamaica this December.
It’s happening RT @BinyavangaW: Off to Jamaica this December.
@anniepaul nairobi. just back from drunkenness in NYC
ah just back from too much walking in NYC RT @BinyavangaW: @anniepaul nairobi. just back from drunkenness in NYC
@anniepaul Dat @keimiller is a free man – and the work, the work….free-ing.
@SafiaA lol. it will be fine..this is not a paper, it is an opinion…love
@SafiaA Will never storify myself, don’t like that editing.
in bed with sugar free cough drops.

Author: Annie Paul

writer, editor and avid tweeter anniepaulose@gmail.com

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